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[23 Sep 2003|06:20pm] |
i dont think im gonna use this journal anymore, someone found it
link to new diary can be found in a friends only post
if you dont hav an lj...it looks like u miss out :p haha only jokin...just ask! :p or use ur brain coz it really isnt that hard to figure out!
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[22 Sep 2003|05:29pm] |
i didnt go to my appointment with the psychiatrist last friday, mostly coz darren was drunk so cudnt take me and also coz i wasnt really in the mood for goin, so i went today and when i got there they told me the psychiatrist i usually see isnt in 2day :| how cud she make me an appointment for 2day then not bother to turn up?? i dont understand why she wud do that :s but i saw sum1 else, only for about 30 minutes tho coz i didnt like her so i didnt speak to her, so she asked if i wanted her to make an appointment with my usual psychiatrist and i said no and told her i didnt wanna go bak at all if she didnt want to see me, but she made an appointment for me neway, so i hav an appointment for wednesday, so i dunno if im gonna go, i probably will tho.
im going to stay with my dad next wednesday for a week and a half :D so im kinda excited about that, i really do wanna go, but i'll miss darren and it feels kinda weird goin to stay with my dad and i also feel like im lettin my mum down coz i dunno if she wud want me to see him, and i dont wanna let her down coz i luv her but i also dont wanna upset my dad by not goin coz i luv him too and i dont want darren to think that i wanna leave him, i wish it didnt hav to be so complicated! trevor said ive just to think about wot i want, and trevor is usually right about most things, so hopefully he will be right about this!
louise wants to go out 2nite but i havent decided if im gonna go, its so cold outside!! and it keeps raining, so i cant really be bothered going out, but i will probably change my mind at the last minute like i usually do!
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[19 Sep 2003|02:21pm] |
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Yesterday was kinda ok, the only bad thing about it was darren, but i felt ok, i kinda feel really bad that i felt ok, and that i didnt go to her grave tho. darren started drinkin as soon as he got up yesterday, and was still drinkin at 4am this morning :s my dad came over too, im glad he did. he tried to talk to darren, but he was wayyyyyy to drunk to listen to him. it has been really good seeing my dad again, i thought things mite be different now, but in alot of ways it felt like he hasnt been away, its good :) he went home 2day tho :( he left this morning, said he cant really stay any longer just now but he asked if i wanted to go stay with him for a few days next week, and i can see my grannie :) so i said yeah, well thats only if darren is ok by then. darren has to call him to arrange dates and stuff, so im really excited about that :) i hope darren doesnt think i wanna leave him tho to stay with my dad forever, coz i dont, i wudnt leave him on his own. after i cum bak from staying with my dad tho i hav to go bak to school :( i really dont want to, but i suppose i should get sum kinda education! we where supposed to see my mum 2day, but darren is in no state to go newhere, so maybe we will go 2moro.
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[17 Sep 2003|04:31pm] |
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i saw my dad today, it was really good :D it went much better than i expected :D i thought i wud get a bit weird when i saw him again since its been so long since i last saw him, but i didnt, in some ways it was like he had never been gone. was great :D so im reallllllly happy about that :D:D he came here to get me, then when went out, but when he came here, darren was ok with him, i thought he might have been nasty or sumthing, but he wasnt :) he even asked if he wanted to cum over for dinner 2moro nite, which is kinda weird, coz it will be 1 year ago 2moro that my mum died, so i didnt think darren wud want him here, i think he thinks its what i want, and i kinda do, coz i know my mum still loved him and he said he still loved her, and he didnt leave coz he didnt love her, so its kinda good that he's gonna be here 2moro i suppose. he said ive changed loads! it was so weird seein him again coz he looked quite different! but was good :D so excited now! lol i hope he doesnt leave again tho, he does stay quite a bit away from us tho, so he will hav to go back, said he only booked the hotel until friday just incase i didnt wanna see him or sumthing, but i mite ask darren if he can stay here for a few days :D he said my grannie wants to see me too :D its soooooooo exciting! lol so i maybe be goin to see her next week, darren said its ok, he's been weird, its not like him to agree to everything!
im glad today went really well, coz its put me in a really gud mood, so i think 2moro will be a bit easier. especially if my dad is gonna be here 2moro, even tho darren is great and i love him loads, it prob wont be easy for darren either, even tho he'll act like he's ok, i know he wont be, so at least if my dad is here, it mite be a bit easier on darren coz he wont hav to worry about me so much. but i hope darren will be ok tomorrow, he'll prob hav his gf over, so maybe he will be.
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[15 Sep 2003|05:18pm] |
my dad has cancelled tomorrow :s not getting off to a very good start, he has promised that he can come on wednesday tho. he didnt say why he cancelled tomorrow, maybe hes just gonna keep cancelling or maybe im just being paranoid!! im so nervous tho, what if we dont hav nething to talk about? or he doesnt like me? or its really awkward? im quite scared, darren isnt gonna be there, he hates him, but he said if its sumthing i wanna do, then its ok but he doesnt want nething to do with him. he did promise that if it didnt work out then hes gonna be there for me, but he wudnt be getting anymore chances after that. kinda scary.
on thursday it will be 1 year since my mum died, everyone keeps asking how i am, i know its just coz of thursday tho, but its getting a little annoying.
i really hope we move house, darren said we mite be moving in a cuple of weeks, i wasnt supposed to know until nearer the time but he said he told me to cheer me up, but told me not to get too excited just incase, but i am excited! i keep showing him loadsa paint charts, mostly pink and lilac obviously! he said the only room thats allowed to be those colours is my room! i cant wait tho! :):)
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[14 Sep 2003|05:01pm] |
its been quite a good weekend :) i was out with mark all day yesterday, dunno where we went, but it was good, kinda wish we just kept driving and didnt hav to cum bak cause its really relaxing, kinda feels like ur just driving away from everything, but i suppose u can never really run away from anything. was a gud day tho :)
i also got a letter from my dad yesterday, i thought darren wud be really mad like he was the last time, but he wasnt, and im gonna see him on tuesday, im really nervous tho, and i dunno if im doin the rite thing. darren called him to arrange it, darren said he wud be ok with wotever i choose to do about seeing him, kinda wish he cud just choose for me like he normally does! i cud be makin a big mistake. i do miss him, i was always quite close to my dad and it was weird not havin him there wen he left, but now i dunno if i still feel angry at him for leaving, i kinda do, but i also kinda feel like its my own fault he left, so i shudnt be angry at him, i shud be angry at myself. i just dunno wot to do, ive said i wud see him tho, so i kinda shud now. the last time i saw him was almost a year ago, it was at my mums funeral, darren wudnt let him talk to me tho, and up until a cuple of months ago, darren still wudnt let me hav nething to do with him, now he is, its weird. i hate makin my own decissions, coz i usually end up makin the wrong one
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[12 Sep 2003|04:19pm] |
eveything with darren has been sorted out :):) so im reallllllly happy about that, coz now i know he doesnt hate me. i cudnt sleep again last nite, so i was just gonna sit downstairs but darren was still up, so i just asked him if he hated me now! so we talked loads, and he said he was sorry. so everything is ok now. im glad its sorted out now, i hate when we fight so much, he said it wasnt just me he was being like that with, he was the same with his gf, and thats why trevor didnt wanna move back really, coz of wot darren was being like. but he's been really nice 2day :)
saw my psychiatrist this morning, it kinda went ok, she said i seemed really happy this morning! that was prob cause i was up all nite talkin to darren! she said she thinks i shud try goin every 2 weeks again soon, i dont want too tho, the last time we tried that it was horrible, i dont think i cud do it, i get really nervous and think that she'll leave or sumthing, or that i wudnt cope on my own for two weeks, but when i go every week, i know that if i need to talk to sum1 then i dont hav long to wait, but if i was goin every 2 weeks then i wudnt hav ne1 to talk to for ages and i wud just keep everything inside and then feel worse, so i told her i didnt want to just now, i think shes trying to make me go less and less each time, so eventually i wont go at all. i told her i didnt want her to leave me and she said she cant promise sumthing like that coz she doesnt know wots gonna happen in the future, thats just her way of sayin that she will be leaving tho.
i had sum lemon fanta today! ive never had any fizzy drinks before! my mum soooooo wudnt be happy if she knew! but we where in the car and i really wanted a drink and darren said i cud hav sum of his fanta and i said i wasnt supposed to and he said that it tastes just like smirnoff ice! so i had sum :D lol was kinda nice tho :D he bought me new jeans 2day :D they're sooooooooooo nice :D i told him i needed new trainers to go with them but he didnt believe me!
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[11 Sep 2003|05:32pm] |
im soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired, i cant sleep tho, and its gettin annoying. i just sit up every nite, doin nuthin. i had to see my doctor 2day, just for a check up and i told her that i cant sleep, but she didnt really do anything about it except tell me the same shit she told me before, but that doesnt work. the appointment wasnt that good 2day actually :s i told darren i didnt want him to go in with me, coz i kinda knew wot she was gonna say neway, so he wasnt happy about that, and then when i came out i didnt tell him what she said, i just told him sumthing else and hes now in an even worse mood with me coz he said he knows im not tellin him the truth :s never mind tho...its nothing to do with him neway.
darren was supposed to be takin me to get my hair done, but i told him not to bother goin with me, so i got mark to go with me. i was supposed to get highlights, but i changed my mind! i get soooooooooo nervous when i go to get my hair done! i dont like people messing about with my hair, i did get it layered again tho :) so its more noticeable now :) and its still quite long too, which is good :) and for once, mark actually said my hair was nice :D he usually says its not cut straight, or its horrible, or sumthing like that...i think hes just trying too hard to be nice, its kinda nice tho, but he seems to think he needs to be around me allllllll the time. but just now, hes about the only one who wants to be around me. i havent even heard from louise for a while :s doesnt really matter tho, the more people i get close to, the more it hurts when they leave, and they will always leave eventually. maybe thats what darren is doin, trying to prepare me for him leavin, maybe he thinks im old enough to look after myself now and he wants time to have his own life now, i dunno, maybe.
trevor is moving back :):) yay :) i think he's movin bak at the weekend :) so that will be gud. sum1 that will giv me hugs :):) unlike darren...he only has hugs for his gf, not me.
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[07 Sep 2003|07:21pm] |
msn is being so annoying and keeps signing me out! grrrr! never mind, maybe thats a gud thing! lol
mark stayed over again last nite :) he said he came to see if i was ok and asked if i wanted him to stay, so i said yeah, coz its so borin being on my own, and i knew if i had sum1 there it wud take my mind of things, so it was gud :) it doesnt feel right him being so nice again! its weird! i keep waiting for it to all go wrong again :s he said that he's sorted alot of stuff out now neway, so he said hes gonna be better now.
i got an email from samantha :D :D shes soooo funny! she sends tons of emails at once lol i wanna go back, i wanna see her. we both thought we where gonna be there for ages, so we decided that i wud learn to write with my left hand (coz im right-handed) and she was gonna learn to write with her right hand (coz shes left-handed) dunno why we decided to do that, just sumthing to do! was fun tho, altho the only thing i can write that is readable is my full name! but she said shes getting better at it :D im gonna go see everyone soon :)
supposed to be goin to visit my mum 2moro, but i dunno if we will, darren has said everyday since friday thats hes gonna take me, but he hasnt yet, so he promised he wud 2moro. mark said that if darren doesnt then he will take me, but i dont really wanna go with him, mainly coz i know he doesnt really wanna go, coz he said that, so id rather go with darren or trevor, but trevor will be workin :( i really hope darren does take me tho, i havent been for so long, no1 has, i know its quite far away, but thats not the point, we shud go coz she wud want us too, and now she'll be thinkin that we dont care anymore, and i do care, more than anything.
*happy thought* only just over 3 months until christmas! :D yayyyyyy :D:D cant wait! lol
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[05 Sep 2003|09:16pm] |
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ok, if ne1 was unlucky enough to read that last entry (which has now been deleted) then im sorry, i really didnt mean any of the things i said. especially the stuff about my mum, i know she did/does love me and i do love her. too much alcohol i think, and just so angry about everything. i feel like im going insane, i really do, i just cant cope, everyone thinks i can, but i cant. i just wanna be how i was before all this happened, i know everything wasnt perfect, and i still had my bad days but it was so much better than this, and there was times i was happy,now i just feel awful and i thought drinking wud make me feel better but it isnt, its just making me feel worse. why does life hav to be so hard??
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[05 Sep 2003|05:31pm] |
the psychologist appointment went ok yesterday, i dont hav to go bak, i really want to, i feel safer in there coz i know i cant do anything to serious, unlike when im here on my own and feelin like shit. he asked how i thought i was doing and i said i was fine. what a stupid thing to ask, how does he think im doing?? does he think i tried to kill myself 3 weeks ago for no reason?? and im now suddenly all better. i wish i was. im never gonna be ok, i was just stupid to think i was gettin better and that everything was gonna be ok, coz its not. even darren hates me, he hates being around me, he'll think of any excuse to get away from me, he hasnt even gave me a hug, the last time he hugged me was the day he left to go to birmingham and that must hav been about 6 weeks ago. trevor keeps being really nice, but thats just out of guilt, mark is only being nice coz he feels sorry for me. theres just no point.
saw the psychiatrist 2day, i think i must hav cried for the whole 2 hours i was in there. she gave me a hug, which i thought was weird. she said im really strong, i dunno how, if i was strong i wudnt hav sat there and cried like a baby. she gave me some leaflets to read through about anti depressants, ive to reconsider, she said she wudnt suggest them to me if she didnt think they wud help. so i dunno wot im gonna do, she said ive to talk it over with darren, he wont agree anyway, he hates any kind of medication, he even hates me takin any tablets for a headache! shes gonna talk more about it next week tho, so i'll maybe wait and see what she says. i think i trust her, i dont think she would lie to me. we talked alot about trying to kill myself and why i did it, so it was gud to get sum of that out. its almost like she cares, then i remind myself that she doesnt really, she gets paid to sit there and listen to me, but i like her.
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[02 Sep 2003|01:21pm] |
i stayed at marks house last nite, i just hate being here, especially now trevor has left, he said he mite come bak in a few days, so hopefully he will. last nite was ok tho. he said he was really sorry for everything and feels bad for the way he treated me, so i think everything is ok again now. but i think he only said it coz he feels sorry for me :s it didnt bother him before when he was being really horrible. but at least he apologised i suppose.
in 16 days it will be 1 year ago that my mum died, it really doesnt feel like a year. i bet darren will forget.
i hav to see the psychologist on thursday coz my doctor is really surprised that ive been allowed to cum home, i hope he sends me back. someone took photos on saturday at the party so i emailed samantha and told her to find out who it was and email them to me :D i dont think i smiled in any of them tho! i hate smiling in photos, but if they're not to awful i will maybe post some here :p but if im in them, then they will be awful! i didnt realize i liked being there until i left, thats why i wanna go back, i miss them all.
i dont even know whats happening about school anymore :s we were supposed to hav a meeting about it a while ago, but since i cudnt go, darren didnt call to arrange another one. i think i wanna go bak tho, even if they do all hate me, i dont really care, i hate me too, so i'll fit right in! i dont want a home tutor tho coz i had one before and i dont like it.
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[31 Aug 2003|02:21pm] |
its good to be home i think. i really wanted to cum home but now that i am it feels weird. i kinda liked being there sumtimes coz i liked being around everyone coz it was fun and i miss them now. but when i was there all i wanted was to cum home coz i missed darren and trevor so much. but bein there was like havin a big family, there was always someone there, loadsa people to talk to. noone thought i was a freak.
i dont really regret tryin to kill myself and i still wish i had died, but im not dead and im not gonna try again coz im also kinda glad im still alive, everything must happen for a reason or there would be no point to nething, so i suppose there must be a reason im still here. or maybe my mum was just lookin out for me.
trevor mite be moving out soon coz he feels guilty, but its not his fault and i dont blame him at all, but he wont believe me wen i tell him. he also says darren relys on him too much and he shouldnt be doin that. when trevor called to tell darren i was in hospital, he went crazy at trevor sayin he wasnt lookin after me properly and stuff like that, which is totally wrong coz trevor isnt the one who left me to spend 3 weeks in birmingham with his girlfriend.
i thought i was only allowed to cum home for 2day, but last nite they had a party for me coz they said i was leaving, another girl was goin home too so it was a joint party. it was soooooo much fun, got loadsa presants :) and i've got sum new clothes coz sum of us swapped clothes :) was really fun. i now hav the coolest top ever :):) we all promised to keep in touch, but we said that the last time i was there and it didnt really happen! but it was good seeing everyone again and we're gonna try really hard to email each other all the time :)
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[13 Aug 2003|08:48pm] |
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how do u make sumthing stop hurting?
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[13 Aug 2003|03:32pm] |
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i cant handle this anymore and for once this has nuthin to do with my mum or darren or nething like that.
i just cant handle it nemore, i dunno wot im supposed to do.
everything is a mess and its all my own fault, i shud have known this wud happen eventually. theres not even neone i can talk to about it :(
theres only one way i can think of that wud make it go away...and i dont really wanna do that yet i dont think
:'(
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[11 Aug 2003|06:37pm] |
darren emailed me :D so im really happy about that :D but he didnt say when he wud be home :( but im glad he emailed me :) he moaned about my "spelling and abbreviations" being awful and annoying to read! lol
i saw mark 2day, i dont really know whats goin on with him just now, one minute we're friends, then we're not, i dunno, everything is so complicated just now, just wish it cud go back to how it was before :s he was being nice 2day though.
next month will be one year since my mum died, thats scary, it really doesnt seem that long, its been such a quick year. i still miss her just as much tho. but i know im never gonna forget her, i used to think i would, but i know i wont now. coz she'll always be with me, coz she promised, and my mum never broke any promises to me before.
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[09 Aug 2003|03:54pm] |
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i deleted that last entry cause it was a bit too depressing, its exactly how i felt last night tho but i dunno y really. i think its just cause im missing darren, which is weird coz i also really hate him right now! and i had a fight with trevor last night too and he ended up walkin out coz he was so angry, he said he was gonna call darren and tell him he has to cum home. but when he came back, he said he was really sorry and that he felt really bad about leaving me like that, so everything is ok again now, and he didnt tell darren to cum back, but he did call him, he asked when he was coming home and he said he doesnt know yet, so he asked if he would be back by monday and he said probably not. so now i dunno wen/if he's gonna cum back :( i asked trevor if darren mentioned me and he said no :( before he left i asked if he wud email me if he was gonna be away for ages and he said he would, but he hasnt yet. i dunno wot to do, he's obviously wanting away from me. i really miss him.
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[06 Aug 2003|07:44pm] |
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i went to my mums grave 2day :) trevor took me. darren is still in birmingham, dunno when he is coming bak :s kinda expected that to happen tho he did say he wud cum home straight away if i really wanted him too, but i said it was ok, cause it is really, i just miss him alot, but me and trevor hav been having fun :D
we went to the beach on monday, he didnt tell me we were goin, it was supposed to be a suprise! but i kinda guessed where we where goin when he was driving there! but it was great :D got a suntan :D i had been on at darren for ages to take me to the beach when it was hot enough, but he never did, so it was good to go on monday :)
yesterday i went to get my hair done. i wanted it cut to my shoulders and have it layered, but when i got there i was too scared to get it cut that short! so i only got a couple of inches taken off, but i did get it layered but because its quite long still u cant really notice its been layered. the hair dresser kept trying to giv me a fringe :| every time he went near the front of my head with the scissors i was panicing! lol
mark still isnt talkin to me - i really know how to piss that guy off! :p
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[02 Aug 2003|05:31pm] |
darren has gone away with his gf, said he'd only be a few days, but a few days to darren probably means a few weeks. he said we cud do whatever i want during the holidays, but so far that hasnt happened, coz he's always with her. i wanted to go on holiday and he said that we cud, but then he invited his gf, so im not goin if shes goin :s i hate her.
so aswell as darren leaving me, mark isnt talkin to me again. he wanted to stay here but i sed he cudnt coz if darren caught him here he wud have went crazy, so now he hasnt spoke to me for 2 days, ive been sending loadsa text messages and the website i sent them from said i can receive messages bak to the website, but he hasnt replied to any. so i suppose hes gonna be in a mood about that for a few days at least :s
i saw the other psychiatrist yesterday, she was nice. but it was totally pointless goin bcoz i cudnt talk to her, i want my usual psychiatrist, coz she understands and she lets me talk for ages if i want too and doesnt ask loadsa questions. but i wont see her for another 2 weeks. im seeing the other one again on friday.
im gettin my hair done on tuesday :) thats something to smile about i suppose!
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kookai's journal
